Vendedri Gras

Friday, September 17, marks the beginning of my birthday weekend, or my last as an omnivore until, at least, November 7. I've got some details sorted out, but most of the weekend is still taking shape. One thing that is certain is that there's going to be an overindulgence in meat and dairy. Fogo, Chima, Friendly's, IHOP, and more are being considered, especially after I read this article (H/T to Lumptastic Plastic).


In a eerily relevant tweet today, Vin Gerard warned me like the Ghost of Christmas Future:

"We're vegan now, baby, that's called 'seitan'. But I'll forgive you, because you sex me up. Now give me some raw sugar."

Ahma Git Up In Yo Promo Budget

So remember how back in July, I found that cool minute-long preview of the spot UltraMantis Black did for the now-defunct wrestlinginterviews.com? Well, I found it so promisingly brilliant that I actually went on a bit of a hunt through various social media to find the full version. The invaluability of Twitter really shone through. My dragnet brought in the following responses. First, from the grungily sexy host:

Wow, legit shocked anyone remembers that! Umm I'm not so much in touch w the guy who was doing them and I guess he hasn't maintained the domain. The free previews might still be up on YouTube? Honestly i wish I had copies myself!

Not much new info there. Then, from the man(tis) himself:

Probably! Contact that con-man, Vin Gerard.

Aha! And the former Equinox proved as slippery as the soap he never uses, but finally I got a response from him:

Tell @highspots to give me the money they owe me for affiliate marketing on that site and you got a deal.

Ugh. And here's where the trail is likely to turn cold. HighSpots does not appear to be anything resembling an approachable entity, and even if they were, why on earth would they ever acquiesce to paying Mr. Gerard his money so that one guy can see a video that was made years ago?


The answer: threats of litigation. I'm getting lawyers on their ass. And if I can't get lawyers, I'm getting lawyer stationery and forging very angry legal threats FedExed to their address in Charlotte, NC. And if that doesn't work, I'm getting Larry Perkins to stop by and shake 'em down. Or at least make a couple calls.

Since You Asked...

Couple weekends ago I trotted up to Bethlehem, PA to visit some old friends, enjoy Musikfest, and finally rip into what might be Vegan Treats' flagship offering:



These were the two plainest of the selection (lots of sprinkles and frosting that I left for another time). I ate the glazed donut first. It was delicious, of course, and the only difference I could note between it and its non-vegan cousins was that there was a faintly discernable bread-like resilience. Nothing drastic, just a little chewier. Which is fine by me.

Then I had the chocolate one, which was so rich I almost had trouble finishing it (and I hadn't eaten anything all day). Good lord, it was like an entire cake somehow packed into the skin of a donut. Maybe it's the result of some secret high-tech vegan device, along the lines of the tofu press. That donut seriously threw my allegiances in doubt in the whole chocolate-vanilla debate. It's probably for the best; on the basis of my vanilla preference, my mother believes the nurse switched the bassinets and I am not her biological son. Going chocolate might give me a shot at getting the Steinway in her will. Uh oh, I hope those keys aren't real ivory.


BOTTOM LINE, those vegan donuts were definitely among the best donuts I've ever eaten. I don't think I'm quite ready to say they are the best, not after just two and without having recently tasted any competition. But especially the limited scope of the vegan diet, it only takes the imagination of this ignorant brash omnivore to decide that treats like these are far and away the best-tasting things a vegan can eat. Hopefully I'll be changing my tune before too long.

Wim, Wigor, And Wegan Willains

On that long-winded and serious note, let's lighten the mood a little bit by diving into UltraMantis Black's moldy yellowed scrapbook for something out of his formative years. This video comes from the DVD of CHIKARA's "Two Eyebrows Are Better Than One", held in January 2008 in Hellertown, PA, right down the road from where I grew up.

This promo is billed as a "flashback". It features The Dark Breed, which was the tag team of UMB and Hallowicked, who were together through 2004 and part of 2005. It is introduced with haughty verve by the Very European Claudio Castagnoli, currently one of the top heels in the hated BDK faction, demanding that we get a life and watch TV. Dig especially the garage tour at 2:39 and the general annoyedness with Eddie Kingston.



Comparing it with more recent promos and commentaries, you can really see how he's progressed from a youthfully exuberant Skeletor-on-meth (also on display in his Create-A-Wrestler Vote Promo) to more of a...I don't know, maybe a Sheriff-of-Nottingham type thing?

Should They?

Now, I said back in the mission statement that I planned to keep an open mind regarding vegans and veganism, and I have done so and will continue to do so, and by the conclusion of Project UMB I expect I'll have developed a permanent empathetic (if not sympathetic) bond with the vegan community. A part of this involves setting out where my mind is at the moment with regard to that community, before attempting to chart its forward (or backward) progress.

To that end, I would like to address an article Major Bludd forwarded to me recently entitled "Should Vegans Procreate?" it doesn't have a date on it, but there are indications in the writing that suggest it was written in the 1990s. Apparently it was very controversial when it was published in The Vegan (a possibly now-defunct publication of The Vegan Society), so those two facts suggest that this article is, at the very least, not representative of the views of all vegans. That disclaimer out of the way, let's take a look.


The Greenest Gray
The article leads off with a backgrounder on the net negative impact of the human race upon the planet. Population exploding, urban sprawl, irreversible development of arable land, and so forth. Yes, all things granted. But at the time of my reading, let alone the article's writing, the entire human population of the earth could be comfortably housed in an area the size of Texas and there is such an overabundance of food crops that the US Government is still paying farmers to NOT grow things for the sake of price stability. Plus, there's the whole biofuel thing, which is not popular because of its environmentalism, but for its low cost, which is a quality tied to the supply of corn relative to demand. Sure, one day all of this will change. But at current pace, we should probably do more worrying about the sun exploding.

That said, I do sympathize somewhat. I remember seeing The Lion King when I was little, and being sad upon leaving the theatre that I did not live in a lush, pristine savanna and likely never would. Of course, these were the dreams and letdowns of a small child because that's what I was.


Free Will Got Those Minks Killed
The article goes on to refute a common defense held by vegans who favor procreation, namely, that by having children and raising them to be vegan, the net human vegan representation is increased and is thus actually a good thing. There are three reasons given by the author why this is wrong:

1) The questionable morality of imposing your beliefs on another (in this case, your child). This is an entirely foreign way of thinking to me, and reminds me of the whole honey debate. Where do you draw the line? You have to draw it somewhere. Everything we say--and do--can be seen as a challenge to another's way of thinking. Sentences later, the author suggests that the energy spent raising a child be better spent gaining mature converts and "campaigning". Imposing your beliefs on others is thus argued as immoral when it's your own child, but not when it's a faceless mass of strangers. I am reminded of Stalin's quote regarding tragedies and statistics.

2) No guarantee your child will remain a vegan. Even if you are not bothered by the idea of indoctrinating your child, it's still probably a long shot that the kid will hold fast to the things their parents try to make them do. After all, how many vegans were raised to eat meat and dairy and so forth? Most of them, probably. Their currently held beliefs were born out of rebellion, what makes you think your kids will be any different? Fair point, if that's your top concern.

3) You risk not being able to fully provide for a child. I'm trying to be considerate and not snarky but this is starting to try my patience. Good lord, nobody can promise that they'll give their kid everything he/she needs, nobody should, and to an extent it's probably for the best that they don't. Dealing with some kind of hardship growing up is not a bad thing. Look at the "Greatest Generation" that spilled out of the Great Depression. Now look at the asshole baby boomers that grew up with everything and have been screwing up the universe since the 1970s.


www.treatiseorfetus.gov
Then the author comments on the idea that procreation is a natural instinct for humans and is thus fitting and proper. While a basic urge, it is nevertheless a self-serving and ego-driven need, serving no purpose but to propogate the genes of the parents in their roundabout attempt to defy mortality. The author argues that "our greater priority must surely be to the welfare of the Earth".

I really don't understand why we should care about the welfare of the Earth if we've already accepted that we will, or at least should, cease procreating until our species is extinct and our presence in this reality utterly forgotten. Once you've come to grips with that, what else really matters? Certainly not the Earth, one terrestrial world in an infinite universe of terrestrial worlds. There are more of them than there are of us.


Tomorrow We Come Back And We Cut Off Your Johnson
But maybe I'm a bit off base there. The author does not want the human race to die out. Rather, it just needs to shrink to a great extent, or at least spread out a bit. Through a gardening analogy, the author states that a human only reaches its full potential when it gets enough attention. The present state of overcrowding prevents most children from developing a sense of moral spirituality (I find these last two ideas to be entirely without basis in fact).

In the last couple of paragraphs, the author betrays her earlier statement that she does not want the human race to die out:

What has this world, that is so far from being ideal, to offer the child you say you love and yet launch into its cold and cruel embrace? The only fact a parent can guarantee his or her child is death.

and:

Naturally we, as vegans, although we take great pleasure in the sight of gentle and beautiful farm animals, would far rather they did not exist at all. Vegans have enough love to desire their loved-ones not to feel the pains of this world.

and:

It must be said that if you, as a vegan, choose to give birth to a child and it later turns out to be a meat eater, it renders your own personal commitment completely invalid.

And it is at this point that I simply cannot take the author seriously anymore. Really? A human has nothing to contribute to the universe if he/she is an omnivore? That the idea that nonexistence (for humans AND animals!) is preferable to life and its experiences, painful and otherwise? Truly, this line of thinking is worthy of no sentiment but purest pity.

That said, the elements of the article that I do agree with fit together to form an effective argument against procreation by vegans. Vegans are born out of rebellion moreso than upbringing, and fewer human beings equals fewer animal products consumed equals a lower demand for animal products equals fewer animals slaughtered. The math works. But this idea requires the prioritizing of True Veganism at the expense of...just about everything.


The More You Know
Considering this article helped me orient myself with regard to the honey debate, as well. The fact is, every human being, by virtue of their existence on this planet, is affecting the rest of it--to an infinitesimal degree, perhaps, but is affecting it nonetheless. This unavoidably leads to the death or injury of other creatures, through no intention to do so, and in spite of intentions to do the opposite. The only way, as I see it, to really live up to the ultimate obligation of True Veganism is to launch oneself into outer space and out of Earth's orbit, so as to never risk negatively affecting the planet or anything on it again.

I'm relieved to know that this article was so hotly debated when it was published. It proves that there is a sizable demographic of sensible people within the vegan community. You can, in fact, withhold support for factory farming and other forms of cruelty-for-profit through a vegan lifestyle without advocating the extinction of mankind.

It's Spanish For "I Am Sludge"

Thing I learned this morning: soy milk settles in coffee after a time. Blech. Not a big deal, I just have to shake up the thermos before I pour.

Necessary and Caligulous

For today's video indoctrination, I present a promo from CHIKARA's 2009 season finale, "Three-Fisted Tales" back in November at the ECW Arena in South Philadelphia. At this point, the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple was at what could be described as its high-water mark, on a winning streak after UltraMantis Black used the Eye of Tyr to steal Delirious away from Team Incoherence (with Hallowicked and Frightmare). UMB is positively high on success and delivers an exemplary "hubris" promo (I would like to pour the exchange at 0:50 into a glass and drink it).



For, although the full repercussions of UMB's actions would take months to reveal themselves, that was the night that the war came to CHIKARA with the advent of the BDK (Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes, if I haven't previously mentioned), and he would be betrayed by Vokoder (BDK mole Tim Donst in disguise) and lose the Eye of Tyr. It would not be the last thing the BDK would take from him.

It's Spanish For "I Am Bomb"

So I finally got to spend a whole weekend in my apartment, no obligations to travel or do anything else, for that matter. I got to see some local friends for a change, and the rest of the time I diligently put into practice Chuck Taylor's training regimen, the video of which I put up a couple of posts ago. A great weekend.

It occurred to me that it would be a good opportunity to do some more toe-dipping into the vegan jacuzzi, so I went out and bought a carton of vanilla "Silk" brand soy milk and subbed it for my use of dairy milk all day Saturday. This was not my first experience with vegan milk, mind you. I'd had chocolate almond milk before, and I want to drown in that stuff. But it's more of a rare treat. I use a lot of milk each day and I need something that can properly cover the gap. So, I put the Silk through the three main tests:


1) Coffee. On a day off, I'll drink three cups. If I'm working I'll drink 4-5 (Eventually I will stop being a regular drinker--building up a caffeine tolerance just makes coffee a pointless expenditure, but I need to pick the right time to detox). I like to take it with a fair amount of milk. So I put the usual amount into 3 cups, and damned if they weren't possibly the 3 best cups of coffee I've ever made for myself. Verdict: We're good here.

2) Cereal. No matter what day it is, if I have gone through it having eaten one bowl of cereal, that is below average. I did have the aforementioned chocolate almond milk on cereal, but it was on Cocoa Puffs because I wanted to see if I'd have a stroke (I didn't). These days I favor what Cesspool refers to as "cereal that looks like bark", which is mainly Mueslix and the like (since Claudio Castagnoli has inspired me with all his Swissness, despite being a Bruderschaft schweinhund). I used the Silk on a bowl of Mueslix AND Cheerios. Good on both, better on the Cheerios somehow. I think it's because they are more absorbent. Verdict: A-Ok.

3) Straight Up. I always have some with dinner and also elsewhere in the day, as the opportunity presents and the mood strikes. How's this stuff do on its own? Well, this particular brand was vanilla-flavored, which may account for the almost excessive richness. Usually I'll have a pint glass with dinner, but with this stuff I just filled a highball glass. If you swirled it, it streaked down the sides like brandy. Even though it wasn't even half as much, it seemed exactly the right amount--I just took it in sips rather than gulps. Verdict: Fine, but exploring other options.


I went through a full quart on Saturday. That carton ran something like $2.65. Typically I'll go through a gallon every 2-3 days or so, and those don't even cost $4. So manifests a significant concern for Project UMB--how much more will it cost to eat? Ironic that abstinence may prove more expensive than indulgence. And yet, maybe that's a matter of perspective--perhaps "professional" vegans see it as a privilege well worth the money, thankful to be spared the fate of being a greater pestilence on the world around them. Hmmmmmmmm.

I'm going back to Bethlehem this weekend for Musikfest--that means vegan donuts!

Distressingly Excessive Zeal On The Part Of The TSA

It is November of 2009. The BDK angle has been steadily building for months at this point, and the wave is about to break. Ever since he used the Eye of Tyr to take control of Delirious, UltraMantis Black has been confronted by strange masked men dressed in white who seem to want something from him, and bizarre transmissions have been ominously directed towards him:





This brief promo is from "Throwing Life's Instructions Away", the penultimate show of CHIKARA's 2009 season on 21 November in Easton, PA. The relentless harrassment by his mysterious adversaries is finally beginning to take a toll on UMB, and he begins to see peril around every corner [0:24!]

Most Devious? Deviousest?

Courtesy of UltraMantis Black's twitter feed, I have learned that VegNews Magazine has opened the voting on the 2010 Veggie Awards, billed as "the largest survey of its kind in the world" (you don't say). Straightforward enough online survey, there's a bunch of categories for vegan/vegetarian restaurants/stores/foods and the like. It's multiple choice, but every category has a write-in option. Aside from checking the Vegan Treats box under "Bakeries", the rest of my votes were write-ins, and I think you can probably guess for what (or rather, whom).


And you, you should vote too! Because there's a grand prize drawing for all submissions, and you can win THESE FABULOUS PRIZES! HARVEY, TELL 'EM WHAT THEY'LL WIN!

"Well, Marc, for their grand prize they'll win a Global Getaway, able to jump on a VegNews junket of their choosing! Probably India or rural Japan or some such, kind of like Anthony Bourdain but I'm guessing with slightly less narcotics ingestion! For first prize, they'll get a Year's Friggin' Supply of Daiya Cheese! So THAT'S how they make vegan pizza!"

"Two lucky people will be chosen to receive a Vegan Marshmallow Smorgasbord, by which they are going to find out exactly how much sugar the human body can consume before violently shuddering to a halt!"

"Three wishful thinkers will be the recipients of a Veg Cookbook Collection, produced entirely by 2009 Veggie Award Winner Robin Robertson, who I'd say has written the last word in Veg(itari)an Cooking, if I for one second believed that such a word will exist before the sun explodes! This will include signed copies of Quick Fix Vegetarian, Vegan Fire And Spice, 1,000 Vegan Recipes, Vegan On The Cheap, and Party Vegan!"

(No joke, I think this might be my favorite prize.)


"And five fortunate so-and-sos will be the proud new owners of a Tofu Press Kitchen Tool, whatever the hell that is! I even read the description of it and am still not completely sure how it works, but my best guess is that it is a veg(itari)an sausage grinder! Just cram a lot of vegetables and spices and such into it and watch the magic happen!"

This Needs To Happen More Often

The Kentucky Gentleman Chuck Taylor, and the Great and Devious UltraMantis Black, the two greatest rudos of their era, united at the commentation station during "Motive, Means, and Opportunity" on 21 February 2009.

Let's Up The (M)Ante Here

I've been thinking of doing this for a while, and I think I'm gonna go ahead with it and stretch the formal beginning of Project UMB back to September 20, the first Monday after my birthday. This will give my body even more time to adjust, and plus make my birthday a bigger deal. It will probably become something of an orgy of meat and dairy (aren't they all?) like a Mardi Gras for this unseasonal Lent. Things on the list for the celebrations might include Fogo de Chao and Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt.


Isn't It Dangerous For Him To Use DDTs?
The CHIKARA wrestler currently known as Dasher Hatfield was not always Dasher Hatfield. For years he was known as "Create-A-Wrestler", in homage to the feature included in all wrestling video games these days where you can design your own grappler from scratch.

The way the gimmick worked was very innovative and fan-friendly. At the start of each season, fans were asked to send in suggestions for what CAW's gimmick should be for that season. The booking office would take the best suggestions and put them up for a vote, and CAW would adopt the winning entry until the end of the season, when his "memory card" would be "formatted". Past identities assumed by CAW include MosCOW, the communist bovine:

and Ultimo Breakfast, the masked master of the morning meal:

Anyway, sometime last season (or poss the one before?) his latest gimmick (Dasher Hatfield, the Old-Timey King of Swing) got so popular, they wrote in a "fusebox accident" to make his "memory card" "unformattable" and so he remains in that character today, teaming up with Sugar Dunkerton to form The Throwbacks:

So anyway, here's a special update from 2007 where a bunch of CHIKARA stars chipped in with their votes (MosCOW won that year). It's all good stuff, but I've set the video to begin at UMB's segment where he, ah, hilariously describes the reasons behind his choice.

Oh, the ladies. AND the insects.

Apple Pie? Such Filth!

I don't really have too much of a sweet tooth. I mean, I'll eat all that stuff, and every once in a while I get a legit craving for some kind of ice cream dealy, but for the most part the foods I enjoy the most are of the salty variety. All the same, the coming dietary shift could result in a change of preferences in that regard. And even if it doesn't, well...can't be too careful. As far as prepared foods go, options are going to be pretty damn few, so the more I know the better.


Which brings us to Vegan Treats, a vegan bakery founded by Danielle Konya and located in my hometown of sunny Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.





I'd heard of this place before, opening a few years ago, and like most of the rest of my flesh-rending brethren and sistren I thought the mere idea of baked goods sans eggs or dairy was about the most futile, to say nothing of potentially unappetizing, culinary endeavor I'd ever heard of.


It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I was home visiting, and on my way out of town I picked up my comrade Destro (from the old Terrordrome days, and I just might post there again) and we gave the place a rip. I had this apple crumble cheesecake, and I am not kidding when I say that it easily put to shame any dairy-and-poultry-derived dessert I'd ever had.


It's the reason why such a small operation delivers its products weekly to huge cities along I-95 including New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington, DC. Ms. (possibly Mrs? Wouldn't be surprised) Konya's vegan creations have been specifically requested by such global luminaries as Alicia Silverstone, Darryl Hannah, Gwyneth Paltrow, Joan Jett, Rory Freedman, and Dennis Kucinich. Them's some tall cotton, brother. Or at least some skinny cotton.


Apparently people are known to plan their lives around the delivery of Vegan Treats' donuts...I wonder if Bryce Remsburg is now one such person. In any case, I'll be back home in a couple weeks, and I'll probably pick up a few. And rest assured, I will tell you all more about those vegan donuts. Also, Czech out this sweet merch. That is badass. If I don't get one for my birthday I'll have one very shortly afterwards.