Necessary and Caligulous

For today's video indoctrination, I present a promo from CHIKARA's 2009 season finale, "Three-Fisted Tales" back in November at the ECW Arena in South Philadelphia. At this point, the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple was at what could be described as its high-water mark, on a winning streak after UltraMantis Black used the Eye of Tyr to steal Delirious away from Team Incoherence (with Hallowicked and Frightmare). UMB is positively high on success and delivers an exemplary "hubris" promo (I would like to pour the exchange at 0:50 into a glass and drink it).



For, although the full repercussions of UMB's actions would take months to reveal themselves, that was the night that the war came to CHIKARA with the advent of the BDK (Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes, if I haven't previously mentioned), and he would be betrayed by Vokoder (BDK mole Tim Donst in disguise) and lose the Eye of Tyr. It would not be the last thing the BDK would take from him.

It's Spanish For "I Am Bomb"

So I finally got to spend a whole weekend in my apartment, no obligations to travel or do anything else, for that matter. I got to see some local friends for a change, and the rest of the time I diligently put into practice Chuck Taylor's training regimen, the video of which I put up a couple of posts ago. A great weekend.

It occurred to me that it would be a good opportunity to do some more toe-dipping into the vegan jacuzzi, so I went out and bought a carton of vanilla "Silk" brand soy milk and subbed it for my use of dairy milk all day Saturday. This was not my first experience with vegan milk, mind you. I'd had chocolate almond milk before, and I want to drown in that stuff. But it's more of a rare treat. I use a lot of milk each day and I need something that can properly cover the gap. So, I put the Silk through the three main tests:


1) Coffee. On a day off, I'll drink three cups. If I'm working I'll drink 4-5 (Eventually I will stop being a regular drinker--building up a caffeine tolerance just makes coffee a pointless expenditure, but I need to pick the right time to detox). I like to take it with a fair amount of milk. So I put the usual amount into 3 cups, and damned if they weren't possibly the 3 best cups of coffee I've ever made for myself. Verdict: We're good here.

2) Cereal. No matter what day it is, if I have gone through it having eaten one bowl of cereal, that is below average. I did have the aforementioned chocolate almond milk on cereal, but it was on Cocoa Puffs because I wanted to see if I'd have a stroke (I didn't). These days I favor what Cesspool refers to as "cereal that looks like bark", which is mainly Mueslix and the like (since Claudio Castagnoli has inspired me with all his Swissness, despite being a Bruderschaft schweinhund). I used the Silk on a bowl of Mueslix AND Cheerios. Good on both, better on the Cheerios somehow. I think it's because they are more absorbent. Verdict: A-Ok.

3) Straight Up. I always have some with dinner and also elsewhere in the day, as the opportunity presents and the mood strikes. How's this stuff do on its own? Well, this particular brand was vanilla-flavored, which may account for the almost excessive richness. Usually I'll have a pint glass with dinner, but with this stuff I just filled a highball glass. If you swirled it, it streaked down the sides like brandy. Even though it wasn't even half as much, it seemed exactly the right amount--I just took it in sips rather than gulps. Verdict: Fine, but exploring other options.


I went through a full quart on Saturday. That carton ran something like $2.65. Typically I'll go through a gallon every 2-3 days or so, and those don't even cost $4. So manifests a significant concern for Project UMB--how much more will it cost to eat? Ironic that abstinence may prove more expensive than indulgence. And yet, maybe that's a matter of perspective--perhaps "professional" vegans see it as a privilege well worth the money, thankful to be spared the fate of being a greater pestilence on the world around them. Hmmmmmmmm.

I'm going back to Bethlehem this weekend for Musikfest--that means vegan donuts!

Distressingly Excessive Zeal On The Part Of The TSA

It is November of 2009. The BDK angle has been steadily building for months at this point, and the wave is about to break. Ever since he used the Eye of Tyr to take control of Delirious, UltraMantis Black has been confronted by strange masked men dressed in white who seem to want something from him, and bizarre transmissions have been ominously directed towards him:





This brief promo is from "Throwing Life's Instructions Away", the penultimate show of CHIKARA's 2009 season on 21 November in Easton, PA. The relentless harrassment by his mysterious adversaries is finally beginning to take a toll on UMB, and he begins to see peril around every corner [0:24!]

Most Devious? Deviousest?

Courtesy of UltraMantis Black's twitter feed, I have learned that VegNews Magazine has opened the voting on the 2010 Veggie Awards, billed as "the largest survey of its kind in the world" (you don't say). Straightforward enough online survey, there's a bunch of categories for vegan/vegetarian restaurants/stores/foods and the like. It's multiple choice, but every category has a write-in option. Aside from checking the Vegan Treats box under "Bakeries", the rest of my votes were write-ins, and I think you can probably guess for what (or rather, whom).


And you, you should vote too! Because there's a grand prize drawing for all submissions, and you can win THESE FABULOUS PRIZES! HARVEY, TELL 'EM WHAT THEY'LL WIN!

"Well, Marc, for their grand prize they'll win a Global Getaway, able to jump on a VegNews junket of their choosing! Probably India or rural Japan or some such, kind of like Anthony Bourdain but I'm guessing with slightly less narcotics ingestion! For first prize, they'll get a Year's Friggin' Supply of Daiya Cheese! So THAT'S how they make vegan pizza!"

"Two lucky people will be chosen to receive a Vegan Marshmallow Smorgasbord, by which they are going to find out exactly how much sugar the human body can consume before violently shuddering to a halt!"

"Three wishful thinkers will be the recipients of a Veg Cookbook Collection, produced entirely by 2009 Veggie Award Winner Robin Robertson, who I'd say has written the last word in Veg(itari)an Cooking, if I for one second believed that such a word will exist before the sun explodes! This will include signed copies of Quick Fix Vegetarian, Vegan Fire And Spice, 1,000 Vegan Recipes, Vegan On The Cheap, and Party Vegan!"

(No joke, I think this might be my favorite prize.)


"And five fortunate so-and-sos will be the proud new owners of a Tofu Press Kitchen Tool, whatever the hell that is! I even read the description of it and am still not completely sure how it works, but my best guess is that it is a veg(itari)an sausage grinder! Just cram a lot of vegetables and spices and such into it and watch the magic happen!"

This Needs To Happen More Often

The Kentucky Gentleman Chuck Taylor, and the Great and Devious UltraMantis Black, the two greatest rudos of their era, united at the commentation station during "Motive, Means, and Opportunity" on 21 February 2009.

Let's Up The (M)Ante Here

I've been thinking of doing this for a while, and I think I'm gonna go ahead with it and stretch the formal beginning of Project UMB back to September 20, the first Monday after my birthday. This will give my body even more time to adjust, and plus make my birthday a bigger deal. It will probably become something of an orgy of meat and dairy (aren't they all?) like a Mardi Gras for this unseasonal Lent. Things on the list for the celebrations might include Fogo de Chao and Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt.


Isn't It Dangerous For Him To Use DDTs?
The CHIKARA wrestler currently known as Dasher Hatfield was not always Dasher Hatfield. For years he was known as "Create-A-Wrestler", in homage to the feature included in all wrestling video games these days where you can design your own grappler from scratch.

The way the gimmick worked was very innovative and fan-friendly. At the start of each season, fans were asked to send in suggestions for what CAW's gimmick should be for that season. The booking office would take the best suggestions and put them up for a vote, and CAW would adopt the winning entry until the end of the season, when his "memory card" would be "formatted". Past identities assumed by CAW include MosCOW, the communist bovine:

and Ultimo Breakfast, the masked master of the morning meal:

Anyway, sometime last season (or poss the one before?) his latest gimmick (Dasher Hatfield, the Old-Timey King of Swing) got so popular, they wrote in a "fusebox accident" to make his "memory card" "unformattable" and so he remains in that character today, teaming up with Sugar Dunkerton to form The Throwbacks:

So anyway, here's a special update from 2007 where a bunch of CHIKARA stars chipped in with their votes (MosCOW won that year). It's all good stuff, but I've set the video to begin at UMB's segment where he, ah, hilariously describes the reasons behind his choice.

Oh, the ladies. AND the insects.

Apple Pie? Such Filth!

I don't really have too much of a sweet tooth. I mean, I'll eat all that stuff, and every once in a while I get a legit craving for some kind of ice cream dealy, but for the most part the foods I enjoy the most are of the salty variety. All the same, the coming dietary shift could result in a change of preferences in that regard. And even if it doesn't, well...can't be too careful. As far as prepared foods go, options are going to be pretty damn few, so the more I know the better.


Which brings us to Vegan Treats, a vegan bakery founded by Danielle Konya and located in my hometown of sunny Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.





I'd heard of this place before, opening a few years ago, and like most of the rest of my flesh-rending brethren and sistren I thought the mere idea of baked goods sans eggs or dairy was about the most futile, to say nothing of potentially unappetizing, culinary endeavor I'd ever heard of.


It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I was home visiting, and on my way out of town I picked up my comrade Destro (from the old Terrordrome days, and I just might post there again) and we gave the place a rip. I had this apple crumble cheesecake, and I am not kidding when I say that it easily put to shame any dairy-and-poultry-derived dessert I'd ever had.


It's the reason why such a small operation delivers its products weekly to huge cities along I-95 including New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington, DC. Ms. (possibly Mrs? Wouldn't be surprised) Konya's vegan creations have been specifically requested by such global luminaries as Alicia Silverstone, Darryl Hannah, Gwyneth Paltrow, Joan Jett, Rory Freedman, and Dennis Kucinich. Them's some tall cotton, brother. Or at least some skinny cotton.


Apparently people are known to plan their lives around the delivery of Vegan Treats' donuts...I wonder if Bryce Remsburg is now one such person. In any case, I'll be back home in a couple weeks, and I'll probably pick up a few. And rest assured, I will tell you all more about those vegan donuts. Also, Czech out this sweet merch. That is badass. If I don't get one for my birthday I'll have one very shortly afterwards.